Dear Diary: Now Canada, don’t think Turks & Caicos bows to just any mid-range subarctic power

Each week in Dear Diary, the National Post imagines the life of one notable newsmaker. This week, the life of  , the premier of the Turks & Caicos, as imagined by Tristin Hopper.

Now don’t think Turks & Caicos answers the door to every mid-range subarctic power that comes calling with plans of annexation. We are a strong, smart independent island nation, and we don’t need the embrace of a Group of Seven country just to feel whole. Oh sure, it can be tempting to sit back and be swept off you feet by some smooth-talking backbencher from a foreign parliament, but don’t be surprised if, five months later, they leave you broke and dejected like everyone else. Turks & Caicos doesn’t need no scrubs.

I just got another diplomatic cable from those jerk Dominicans. Apparently, some of our fishing boats are “intruding” on their sovereign conch fishing grounds. Well, screw them. I’m tired of all our Caribbean neighbours always telling us what to do, mocking our capital’s name of Cockburn Town and laughing at the shuttlecock and badly drawn lobster on our flag. Well, they won’t be laughing when our cash registers are loaded with indestructible polymer bills, our cinemas are packed with top-quality Canadian-made entertainment and our borders are defended by the awesome might of the Canadian military. Oh, they’ll all rue the day they ever mocked the 11th province.

Of course, Turks & Caicos has no intention of submitting to Confederation without conditions. British Columbia got a railway out of the deal, Prince Edward Island got 150 years of subsidized ferry service and Newfoundland got a 10-million square-kilometre sugar daddy. Well, by gum if we’re going to let Ottawa at our rich reserves of spiny lobsters and mangrove swamps without getting ours. That is why I have drafted a list of preliminary conditions: One of those fancy Fairmont hotels they seem to have in every Canadian city, a commemorative quarter, a World Hockey League team and at least one federally funded biannual concert by a Canadian music icon. Not Blue Rodeo.

THE CANADIAN PRESS/Sean KilpatrickTHE CANADIAN PRESS/Sean KilpatrickThe lapel of Rufus Ewing, Premier of the Turks and Caicos, is pinned with the flags of and Turks and Caicos as he holds a media availability in the Foyer of the House of Commons on Parliament Hill in Ottawa on Monday, May 26, 2014.

After my meeting with the prime minister of Canada this week, I slipped out for a few hours to fulfill my lifelong dream of visiting Niagara Falls (Ont.). And what I saw was … horrifying. The falls themselves were breathtaking, but all around them was a settlement of such depravity and ugliness it could only have been birthed from the very bowels of hell itself. Good God, would this be the fate of my own island home under Canadian rule? Would our own spots of natural beauty become fringed by tacky animatronics, horrible greasy food and hordes upon hordes of loud, beer-swilling, good old boys? And the accent: So nasally, so … smug. What kind of Faustian bargain is this Canadian annexation?

I think we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Canada is certainly very nice — and has an excellent taste in flannel — but I just feel at this point that we should keep our options open, you know? Maybe we could see about calling up the United States without Puerto Rico getting all jealous. Or Australia? It might be high time to explore our mutual heritage of canned beef and shark attacks. We are still technically married to the United Kingdom, but honestly, you try keeping the spark alive with London after several decades of being a British Overseas Territory. There’s times I think an invasion by Argentina would be the only way to get her to notice us.

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THE CANADIAN PRESS/Sean KilpatrickTHE CANADIAN PRESS/Sean KilpatrickRufus Ewing, Premier of the Turks and Caicos, is recognized by the House of Commons on Parliament Hill in Ottawa on Monday, May 26, 2014.

About Tristin Hopper