Brian Hutchinson: Moving tips for Americans — Where you should go to avoid Canada’s Trump-like regions

Welcome, refugees! Bienvenue à tous! Thank you for considering as your next home. Judging by the sudden level of interest you’ve shown in our  — you crashed our Citizenship and Immigration website last night, hours before Donald Trump delivered his victory speech — we expect millions of you to be crossing the very soon.

Please take some time now to consider our relocation tips. There are certain places in our great federation you might want to avoid. Southern Alberta, for example. It’s a bit like Missouri, or Texas, or Oklahoma. You know, sort of…Trump-like. You’d arrive there, look around, and probably think you’d never left the mid-west. Think about these places, instead:

Nelson Kootenay Lake Tourism
Kootenay Lake TourismNelson's Baker Street.

Nelson, B.C.: This quaint little mountain town near the U.S. border was discovered by American draft dodgers during the Vietnam War that your country lost. They came, they grew weed, they never left. Show up in a Subaru with an “I Hate Trump” bumper sticker and you’ll be made to feel welcome. You might even find some long-lost relatives living in the woods, tending their grow-op.

BRYAN SCHLOSSER/Regina, Leader-Post
BRYAN SCHLOSSER/, Leader-PostThe Regina skyline in 2013.

Regina, Saskatchewan: The birthplace of Obamacare. Probably the only relocation incentive a depressed Democrat needs right now, yes? Regina is also the only city in Canada where hockey takes a backseat to . Okay, it’s Canadian, three-down , played on an enormous field of artificial grass covered with distracting markings meant for high school soccer and such, but if you’re coming north, you’ll have to adapt. Rouge: It’s not just for the face.

HandoutMuskoka is for left-leaning who want to relax.

Muskoka, Ontario: American celebrities have been coming here for decades, to “relax” and to “hide-out” in palatial “summer cottages.” Monied and spoiled, this lake-dotted vacation spot is perfect for left-leaning Hollywood types to escape the inevitable Trump-administration blacklist. We’re at you, Alec Baldwin. Transit tip: It’s just a short helicopter trip from TIFF.

WikimediaRivière-du-Loup at sunset.

Rivière-du-Loup, Quebec: Wolf’s River, to you. Except you don’t want to be calling this town by its English name, ever, because your fellow residents will hate you for it. This is a French-speaking community, sur le fleuve Saint-Laurent. Remember that and keep your mouths shut, or learn the damn language. (Sorry for swearing.) For all you Bernie Saunders types: You wanted socialism? This is as close as it gets without leaving North America. Also, eat eels here.

John Kenney/Postmedia News
John Kenney/Postmedia NewsNain, Labrador.

Nain, Labrador: The northern-most permanent settlement in Newfoundland and Labrador (a very prosperous Canadian province, on the Atlantic Ocean), Nain, despite what its ideal location might first suggest, is not for the faint of heart. Or the weak of mind. Or for people who quickly tire of wind, rock and ice. We only suggest Nain because it could use a shot in the arm and because we figure some of you might wish to do some serious penance on behalf of your homeland. If so, this should be the place. Bonus: Flying into Nain on a winter’s day, in a small aircraft, is stomach churning and death-defying. It’s sort of like taking the biggest, scariest Six Flags amusement park ride ever built. So you’ll always have that.

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About Brian Hutchinson