About Author: D. Tavendall

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http://thebadger.ca

Posts by D. Tavendall

  • DETROIT, MICHIGAN (TheBadgerCA) – Following the GOP debate Thursday, a spokesperson for Donald Trump’s penis has stepped forward, releasing a statement that the penis does not wish to be part of the media circus that is following the Trump campaign and the Republican National Convention as a whole. Linda Disset, representing Trump’s member, read the statement at a press conference organized by the penis. The statement read: “It has come to my attention that I was mentioned, inadvertently or not, in the debate of the Republican presidential candidates last night. It is not my wish to be part of this campaign in any capacity. The fact that I am part of the body of one of the candidates, front-runner or not, is immaterial to my wish to be thrust into the spotlight. I play a very minor role, if any, in this campgain and wish my privacy to be respected. I am a small, humble penis and do not desire the scrutiny of the public upon me. Despite claims to the contrary, I am much more miniscule than average and as such do not want my image to be further agrandized. Please respect my wishes as a diminutive sexual organ [...]

    Trump’s Penis: “Please Don’t Drag Me Into This”

    DETROIT, MICHIGAN (TheBadgerCA) – Following the GOP debate Thursday, a spokesperson for Donald Trump’s penis has stepped forward, releasing a statement that the penis does not wish to be part of the media circus that is following the Trump campaign and the Republican National Convention as a whole. Linda Disset, representing Trump’s member, read the statement at a press conference organized by the penis. The statement read: “It has come to my attention that I was mentioned, inadvertently or not, in the debate of the Republican presidential candidates last night. It is not my wish to be part of this campaign in any capacity. The fact that I am part of the body of one of the candidates, front-runner or not, is immaterial to my wish to be thrust into the spotlight. I play a very minor role, if any, in this campgain and wish my privacy to be respected. I am a small, humble penis and do not desire the scrutiny of the public upon me. Despite claims to the contrary, I am much more miniscule than average and as such do not want my image to be further agrandized. Please respect my wishes as a diminutive sexual organ [...]

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  • TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – Upon hearing the news that both Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne would be present to welcome the first wave of refugees into Canada, Syrian Muhammed Al-Muhar shook his head. “I was afraid that this would happen.” Al-Muhar says as a Syrian refugee, he is delighted that Canada has opened their arms to help house and protect him and his family. As a conservative, he is not looking forward to meeting the Canadian and Ontario Liberal leaders. “I am grateful that Canada has allowed us refuge in their country and are going to provide us with the care we need. But I have no desire to meet this pair of Liberal ‘spend-monkeys’. The way the pair of them are going to steer Canada towards huge debt over the next couple of years. It is going to be brutal. I have seen my home destroyed, my village in ruins. Now I have to live in a place that had a surplus of $1.4 billion and under the Liberals went to a $3 billion deficit. This is crazy. His tax plan is going to annihilate the middle-class. And let’s not forget senioir citizens who will [...]

    Conservative Syrian Refugee Not Looking Forward to Meeting “Pair of Liberal Spend-Monkeys”

    TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – Upon hearing the news that both Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne would be present to welcome the first wave of refugees into Canada, Syrian Muhammed Al-Muhar shook his head. “I was afraid that this would happen.” Al-Muhar says as a Syrian refugee, he is delighted that Canada has opened their arms to help house and protect him and his family. As a conservative, he is not looking forward to meeting the Canadian and Ontario Liberal leaders. “I am grateful that Canada has allowed us refuge in their country and are going to provide us with the care we need. But I have no desire to meet this pair of Liberal ‘spend-monkeys’. The way the pair of them are going to steer Canada towards huge debt over the next couple of years. It is going to be brutal. I have seen my home destroyed, my village in ruins. Now I have to live in a place that had a surplus of $1.4 billion and under the Liberals went to a $3 billion deficit. This is crazy. His tax plan is going to annihilate the middle-class. And let’s not forget senioir citizens who will [...]

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  • SAN BERNADINO, CALIFORNIA (TheBadgerCA) – In the wake of the latest mass shooting in the US, 352 this year, the US Congress have decreed that they will move into action. The San Bernardino shooting today that has left at least 14 dead and 14 injured has spurred on Congress moving them into action, stating that they “totally promise to implement gun control after the next mass shooting, and we mean it this time.” Congressman Mark Walker (N. Carolina – R) said in a statement today that “Congress as a whole sees today as a watershed moment with too many lives being lost at the hands of guns. This is why Congress promises to get some form of gun control going, and we mean it this time. We’ll do it right after the next mass shooting. There’s no point, really, of doing it now, because what if there’s not another shooting? We’d be wasting a lot of time, a lot of Congressmen’s time, a lot of tax payers money. It just doesn’t make sense. Maybe this one will be the last, God willing that it is. If that’s the case, no harm, no foul. “What does make sense is if there [...]

    US Congress “Totally Promise to Implement Gun Control After Next Mass Shooting”

    SAN BERNADINO, CALIFORNIA (TheBadgerCA) – In the wake of the latest mass shooting in the US, 352 this year, the US Congress have decreed that they will move into action. The San Bernardino shooting today that has left at least 14 dead and 14 injured has spurred on Congress moving them into action, stating that they “totally promise to implement gun control after the next mass shooting, and we mean it this time.” Congressman Mark Walker (N. Carolina – R) said in a statement today that “Congress as a whole sees today as a watershed moment with too many lives being lost at the hands of guns. This is why Congress promises to get some form of gun control going, and we mean it this time. We’ll do it right after the next mass shooting. There’s no point, really, of doing it now, because what if there’s not another shooting? We’d be wasting a lot of time, a lot of Congressmen’s time, a lot of tax payers money. It just doesn’t make sense. Maybe this one will be the last, God willing that it is. If that’s the case, no harm, no foul. “What does make sense is if there [...]

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  • OTTAWA, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – In the wake of its recent cancellation of free yoga classes due to “concerns of cultural appropriation”, the University of Ottawa student union is not taking any chances and moving to further ban culturally-sensitive items and services. The student union has generated a list of items that will also be removed from the campus, including Chai tea, incense, Indian food. As well, according to student union president Monika Lepeau, “you know, brown-people things”. Said Lepeau “These days with political correctness, racism and such, we have to be sensitive to people’s needs. These yoga classes that they were doing were free, but I’m sure they were talking about spiritual stuff that people who just wanted to stretch without all the god-things. And it would be that ‘chakra’ stuff and the elephant-head god, which is totally cool, but people don’t want that. So, because ‘yoga’ was Indian, like ‘India’-Indian, not ‘North American’-‘First Nations’-Indian, not that they’re not important either, they just don’t do yoga, so we were worried that the spiritual stuff would be offensive to the India-Indian people, so we stopped it.” When asked why the other India-based items and services were also banned, Lepeau and her [...]

    Just To Be Safe, University of Ottawa Bans Yoga, Chai Tea, Indian Food and “Most Brown-People Things”

    OTTAWA, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – In the wake of its recent cancellation of free yoga classes due to “concerns of cultural appropriation”, the University of Ottawa student union is not taking any chances and moving to further ban culturally-sensitive items and services. The student union has generated a list of items that will also be removed from the campus, including Chai tea, incense, Indian food. As well, according to student union president Monika Lepeau, “you know, brown-people things”. Said Lepeau “These days with political correctness, racism and such, we have to be sensitive to people’s needs. These yoga classes that they were doing were free, but I’m sure they were talking about spiritual stuff that people who just wanted to stretch without all the god-things. And it would be that ‘chakra’ stuff and the elephant-head god, which is totally cool, but people don’t want that. So, because ‘yoga’ was Indian, like ‘India’-Indian, not ‘North American’-‘First Nations’-Indian, not that they’re not important either, they just don’t do yoga, so we were worried that the spiritual stuff would be offensive to the India-Indian people, so we stopped it.” When asked why the other India-based items and services were also banned, Lepeau and her [...]

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  • PARIS, FRANCE (TheBadgerCA) – In a statement released today following the Friday attacks on Paris, French president François Hollande made it clear that any hope of politeness toward the members of ISIS would now be evaporated. Said Hollande in a press conference convened early this morning, “The people of France will not tolerate the actions of a noted few that wish to terrorize the citizens of Paris and the people of France. We will not stand for this. If you thought that we were rude, distant and unhelpful before Friday, you have seen nothing yet. “I urge all of the citizens of France, in contact with ISIS members, to look deep inside of each and every one of you and find the inner rudeness that has been brewing under quiet pressure throughout this ordeal. Unleash your rudeness on ISIS and anyone of their supporters! Offer no directions! Mock their horrible, horrible attempts at the French language. Ignore their requests for service be it in a café, boutique or boulangerie! “To the members of ISIS, we will seek you out like the rabid dogs you are. And like dogs you will be caged. And when you are caged, you will then [...]

    France to ISIS: “If You Thought We Were Rude Before This…”

    PARIS, FRANCE (TheBadgerCA) – In a statement released today following the Friday attacks on Paris, French president François Hollande made it clear that any hope of politeness toward the members of ISIS would now be evaporated. Said Hollande in a press conference convened early this morning, “The people of France will not tolerate the actions of a noted few that wish to terrorize the citizens of Paris and the people of France. We will not stand for this. If you thought that we were rude, distant and unhelpful before Friday, you have seen nothing yet. “I urge all of the citizens of France, in contact with ISIS members, to look deep inside of each and every one of you and find the inner rudeness that has been brewing under quiet pressure throughout this ordeal. Unleash your rudeness on ISIS and anyone of their supporters! Offer no directions! Mock their horrible, horrible attempts at the French language. Ignore their requests for service be it in a café, boutique or boulangerie! “To the members of ISIS, we will seek you out like the rabid dogs you are. And like dogs you will be caged. And when you are caged, you will then [...]

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  • SEATTLE, WASHINGTON (TheBadgerCA) – Following the wrath that Starbucks received today from Christians regarding their red coffee cups, the coffee chain today announced that they would be not going forward with Muhammad-themed cups for Mawlid an-Nabī, the date commemorating the birth of the prophet Muhammad. The cups were to be made available leading up to the six-day period starting December 23rd and continuing until December 28th. This decision comes on the heels of the corporation receiving a deluge of commentary on their decision to commemorate the winter holidays with flat red-coloured coffee cups with no other ornamentation on them. The company explained that they wished to take a more contemporary and minimalist approach to the holiday. Joshua Feuerstein, an Arizona evangelist, lashed out at Starbucks in a YouTube rant stating that “Starbucks removed Christmas from their cups because they hate Jesus”. Debra Leith, a corporate publicist for Starbucks, stated that this could not be further from the truth. Said Leith, “We love Jesus, we respect Muhammad, we at Starbucks revere Buddha whose ethos we have co-opted for several years now. This year, we really just wanted to keep things simple. We thought red would be easy, no need for snowflakes, [...]

    Starbucks to Recall Muhammad-Themed Coffee Cups for Muslim High Holiday

    SEATTLE, WASHINGTON (TheBadgerCA) – Following the wrath that Starbucks received today from Christians regarding their red coffee cups, the coffee chain today announced that they would be not going forward with Muhammad-themed cups for Mawlid an-Nabī, the date commemorating the birth of the prophet Muhammad. The cups were to be made available leading up to the six-day period starting December 23rd and continuing until December 28th. This decision comes on the heels of the corporation receiving a deluge of commentary on their decision to commemorate the winter holidays with flat red-coloured coffee cups with no other ornamentation on them. The company explained that they wished to take a more contemporary and minimalist approach to the holiday. Joshua Feuerstein, an Arizona evangelist, lashed out at Starbucks in a YouTube rant stating that “Starbucks removed Christmas from their cups because they hate Jesus”. Debra Leith, a corporate publicist for Starbucks, stated that this could not be further from the truth. Said Leith, “We love Jesus, we respect Muhammad, we at Starbucks revere Buddha whose ethos we have co-opted for several years now. This year, we really just wanted to keep things simple. We thought red would be easy, no need for snowflakes, [...]

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  • LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA (TheBadgerCA) – In statement released today, Quentin Tarantino apologized to his anti-police comments that embroiled him this week in a boycott of his films by police unions nationwide. Said Tarantino, “I did not intend to have everyone think that I am anti-police. I’m not. If you don’t think there’s a problem in the country right now, you’re delusional. It’s as simple as that, If you’re a member of the NRA, a police union, or the Jew media bringing all of this up on me, you’re part of the problem. People are dying in the streets at the hands of some pretty bad apples, and I’m not targeting the good policemen-and-women that abhor this, that are against this, that are disgusted as we all are by their brothers and sisters in arms. Add to this that my comments, comments that are supposed to enlighten, to support, to provide a counter-argument, are taken out of context by the Jews in the media. “It’s a takedown. Simple as that. A takedown. The Jews in the media hate the Jews in the entertainment industry that green-light my movies, and who gets caught in the crossfire? I do. So this Semitic turf-war [...]

    Quentin Tarantino Apologizes for Anti-Cop Comments to Jew Media

    LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA (TheBadgerCA) – In statement released today, Quentin Tarantino apologized to his anti-police comments that embroiled him this week in a boycott of his films by police unions nationwide. Said Tarantino, “I did not intend to have everyone think that I am anti-police. I’m not. If you don’t think there’s a problem in the country right now, you’re delusional. It’s as simple as that, If you’re a member of the NRA, a police union, or the Jew media bringing all of this up on me, you’re part of the problem. People are dying in the streets at the hands of some pretty bad apples, and I’m not targeting the good policemen-and-women that abhor this, that are against this, that are disgusted as we all are by their brothers and sisters in arms. Add to this that my comments, comments that are supposed to enlighten, to support, to provide a counter-argument, are taken out of context by the Jews in the media. “It’s a takedown. Simple as that. A takedown. The Jews in the media hate the Jews in the entertainment industry that green-light my movies, and who gets caught in the crossfire? I do. So this Semitic turf-war [...]

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  • OTTAWA, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – As members of Justin Trudeau’s cabinet were sworn in, Canada turned a corner with new leadership and a new ideology. However, many political analysts also worry that Canada will now turn into a “modern-day Gomorrah” and is open to attacks from “an angry, vengeful God”. Duncan Beech, a professor of political science at the MacEwen University in Edmonton, is concerned that the absence of the mention of God, Jesus or the Holy Ghost will not bode well for Trudeau’s first term. Said Beech, “By allowing MPs who are being sworn in to not say ‘so help me God’, means that now, we may have angered The Creator. This then, leaves us very very susceptible to attacks from an angry God, a vengeful God. Trudeau himself said he was making up his cabinet to reflect the make-up of Canada. That’s why all the women are in there. So, if that’s the case, by extension, there has to be some gays in there as well. That’s where the trouble starts. You now have gays in positions of power to begin their recruiting of our young children into ‘The Gay Mafia’. In four years, with this going unchecked, Canada [...]

    Trudeau Cabinet Sworn In Without Mention of God, Canada Soon to Drown in “Avalanche of Homosexuals”

    OTTAWA, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – As members of Justin Trudeau’s cabinet were sworn in, Canada turned a corner with new leadership and a new ideology. However, many political analysts also worry that Canada will now turn into a “modern-day Gomorrah” and is open to attacks from “an angry, vengeful God”. Duncan Beech, a professor of political science at the MacEwen University in Edmonton, is concerned that the absence of the mention of God, Jesus or the Holy Ghost will not bode well for Trudeau’s first term. Said Beech, “By allowing MPs who are being sworn in to not say ‘so help me God’, means that now, we may have angered The Creator. This then, leaves us very very susceptible to attacks from an angry God, a vengeful God. Trudeau himself said he was making up his cabinet to reflect the make-up of Canada. That’s why all the women are in there. So, if that’s the case, by extension, there has to be some gays in there as well. That’s where the trouble starts. You now have gays in positions of power to begin their recruiting of our young children into ‘The Gay Mafia’. In four years, with this going unchecked, Canada [...]

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  • TORONTO, ONTARIO (TheBadgerCA) – While many used Sunday morning’s extra hour of daylight savings time to get an extra hour of sleep or continue Halloween revelry at costume parties and bars across the city, local depression sufferer Mike King stared at his ceiling for another hour. Unable to sleep, King used the extra hour in the same way he does most nights; as a time to review all of his failures of the day. Once the mess-ups for the day were catalogued, they were added into specific groups of other failures that have occurred over the course of King’s life in order to find a pattern that will never manifest itself. In the extra hour, King focused unflinchingly at the ceiling fan, going over in his head again and again his inability to contact his parents on a weekly basis to touch base as well as his lack of initiative at work that King believes will probably see him terminated in the next round of layoffs at the furniture chain he works at. At the 18 minute mark of the extra hour, King panicked about his credit card debt which grew from $10,000 to $11,500 the previous day following the [...]

    Extra Daylight Savings Hour Used for 60 More Minutes of Crippling, Sleepless Anxiety

    TORONTO, ONTARIO (TheBadgerCA) – While many used Sunday morning’s extra hour of daylight savings time to get an extra hour of sleep or continue Halloween revelry at costume parties and bars across the city, local depression sufferer Mike King stared at his ceiling for another hour. Unable to sleep, King used the extra hour in the same way he does most nights; as a time to review all of his failures of the day. Once the mess-ups for the day were catalogued, they were added into specific groups of other failures that have occurred over the course of King’s life in order to find a pattern that will never manifest itself. In the extra hour, King focused unflinchingly at the ceiling fan, going over in his head again and again his inability to contact his parents on a weekly basis to touch base as well as his lack of initiative at work that King believes will probably see him terminated in the next round of layoffs at the furniture chain he works at. At the 18 minute mark of the extra hour, King panicked about his credit card debt which grew from $10,000 to $11,500 the previous day following the [...]

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  • SCARBOROUGH, ONTARIO (TheBadgerCA) – Little did Taylor Heller and Monica Dooley know that when they sat down to design their Halloween costume together that they would be heading towards a breakup that will occur Sunday morning in a tearful exchange. The common-law couple began on this path to their relationship’s demise when initial discussions occurred to narrow down their costume idea. Said Dooley, “I wanted very much to keep with an ‘Alladin’ theme since that was the first movie we ever saw together.” Heller had no idea about the plan, “I have no idea why she wanted to do the whole ‘Lawrence of Arabia’ thing, but whatever.  We did ‘Breaking Bad’ last year and that was my idea so this is her year. I’ll give her that.” After not knowing the significance of Dooley’s costume choice, Heller made another bad relationship choice of dictating what Dooley’s costume should be. “It had to be sexy. Like real sexy. Like Princess Leia sexy. I was hoping a bikini, couple of sashes, that’s it. My girlfriend before Monica did that one year at an office party of hers and it was wicked hot. We totally did it in the cab on the way [...]

    Every Step of Couple’s Halloween Costume Leading to Their Break-Up

    SCARBOROUGH, ONTARIO (TheBadgerCA) – Little did Taylor Heller and Monica Dooley know that when they sat down to design their Halloween costume together that they would be heading towards a breakup that will occur Sunday morning in a tearful exchange. The common-law couple began on this path to their relationship’s demise when initial discussions occurred to narrow down their costume idea. Said Dooley, “I wanted very much to keep with an ‘Alladin’ theme since that was the first movie we ever saw together.” Heller had no idea about the plan, “I have no idea why she wanted to do the whole ‘Lawrence of Arabia’ thing, but whatever.  We did ‘Breaking Bad’ last year and that was my idea so this is her year. I’ll give her that.” After not knowing the significance of Dooley’s costume choice, Heller made another bad relationship choice of dictating what Dooley’s costume should be. “It had to be sexy. Like real sexy. Like Princess Leia sexy. I was hoping a bikini, couple of sashes, that’s it. My girlfriend before Monica did that one year at an office party of hers and it was wicked hot. We totally did it in the cab on the way [...]

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  • HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA (TheBadgerCA) – Disgraced Richland County Senior Deputy Ben Fields was fired this morning following the release of a video showing him flipping a teen-aged student backwards out of her desk, tossing her onto the floor and arresting her in front of her classroom. Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott stated that the officer, having not followed proper procedures. Immediately following the incident, the Madison County Sheriff Lloyd Beucker announced that his police force would welcome Fields to his police force. Said Beucker in a statement, “While the police force in Columbia are more than entitled to their opinions on the matter, Fields displays the type of instinct we’re looking for in a recruit. To be frank, South Carolina’s loss is our gain.” Fields is expected to start his new position on Monday armed with a “much larger gun than those pacifists in Columbia”, said Beucker.

    South Carolina Officer Fired for Arresting Student, Hired by Alabama Police Force

    HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA (TheBadgerCA) – Disgraced Richland County Senior Deputy Ben Fields was fired this morning following the release of a video showing him flipping a teen-aged student backwards out of her desk, tossing her onto the floor and arresting her in front of her classroom. Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott stated that the officer, having not followed proper procedures. Immediately following the incident, the Madison County Sheriff Lloyd Beucker announced that his police force would welcome Fields to his police force. Said Beucker in a statement, “While the police force in Columbia are more than entitled to their opinions on the matter, Fields displays the type of instinct we’re looking for in a recruit. To be frank, South Carolina’s loss is our gain.” Fields is expected to start his new position on Monday armed with a “much larger gun than those pacifists in Columbia”, said Beucker.

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  • GENEVA, SWITZERLAND (TheBadgerCA) – Close on the heels of the World Health Organization’s announcement that both red and processed meats have been linked to cancer, they also today warned that there will be an over 250% increase in sanctimony and smugness expected from the vegetarian and vegan communities with almost immediate effect. Elainne deGraff, chief analysis coordinator for this finding, stated that the knock-on effect of the cancer correlation with processed meats and “vegetarian smugness” would prove to be staggering. Said deGraff, “We have had the usual high levels of sanctimonious behaviour and an eagerness to tell all people within the immediate radius of a vegetarian or vegan about their life choice. We have seen this daily and the numbers have remained relative to the non-meat eating community. With the announcement today, we expect these levels of smugness to skyrocket as a result. People will begin to see unsolicited commentary on meat-eating from vegetarians, how these people have known ‘forever’ that meat was bad for humans, more loud pronouncements of vegetarianism when ordering foods in restaurants. People will have no choice to hear from this community in the coming days.” deGraff also warned that the meat-eating community would most likely [...]

    WHO Warn of 250% Increase in Vegetarian and Vegan Smugness

    GENEVA, SWITZERLAND (TheBadgerCA) – Close on the heels of the World Health Organization’s announcement that both red and processed meats have been linked to cancer, they also today warned that there will be an over 250% increase in sanctimony and smugness expected from the vegetarian and vegan communities with almost immediate effect. Elainne deGraff, chief analysis coordinator for this finding, stated that the knock-on effect of the cancer correlation with processed meats and “vegetarian smugness” would prove to be staggering. Said deGraff, “We have had the usual high levels of sanctimonious behaviour and an eagerness to tell all people within the immediate radius of a vegetarian or vegan about their life choice. We have seen this daily and the numbers have remained relative to the non-meat eating community. With the announcement today, we expect these levels of smugness to skyrocket as a result. People will begin to see unsolicited commentary on meat-eating from vegetarians, how these people have known ‘forever’ that meat was bad for humans, more loud pronouncements of vegetarianism when ordering foods in restaurants. People will have no choice to hear from this community in the coming days.” deGraff also warned that the meat-eating community would most likely [...]

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