elxn42 Archive

  • MONTREAL, QUEBEC (TheBadgerCA) – Today ushered in a new era in Canadian politics as Justin Trudeau’s Liberal party swept aside Stephen Harper’s Conservative party, taking seats from normally strong Conservative and NDP strongholds. Following his acceptance speech as the leader of Canada last night, Trudeau and his family were rewarded with a well-deserved sleep, his first night’s sleep as leader of the nation. Upon awaking, Trudeau recalled that in the previous night’s dream, he had come up with new items to tax for revenue. Justine Lepeau, aide to Trudeau in his time to transition to the official leader, was briefed on the dreams from Trudeau. Said Lepeau, “His dreams were quite vivid and specific. He called me at four in the morning to record the dreams so that he would not forget them. He has already stated that he will tax the rich to release the tax base to the middle class, but this goes slightly further. He had me write down ‘Tax on people who have gardeners’, ‘Purse chihuahua tax’, ‘Boats’. All he said there was ‘boats’, I don’t really know what that means.” Also on the list, Trudeau mentions a tax on BMW steering wheel warmers, sweatpants costing [...]

    Justin Trudeau Wakes Up Today as New Prime Minister, Dreamed of Ten New Things to Tax

    MONTREAL, QUEBEC (TheBadgerCA) – Today ushered in a new era in Canadian politics as Justin Trudeau’s Liberal party swept aside Stephen Harper’s Conservative party, taking seats from normally strong Conservative and NDP strongholds. Following his acceptance speech as the leader of Canada last night, Trudeau and his family were rewarded with a well-deserved sleep, his first night’s sleep as leader of the nation. Upon awaking, Trudeau recalled that in the previous night’s dream, he had come up with new items to tax for revenue. Justine Lepeau, aide to Trudeau in his time to transition to the official leader, was briefed on the dreams from Trudeau. Said Lepeau, “His dreams were quite vivid and specific. He called me at four in the morning to record the dreams so that he would not forget them. He has already stated that he will tax the rich to release the tax base to the middle class, but this goes slightly further. He had me write down ‘Tax on people who have gardeners’, ‘Purse chihuahua tax’, ‘Boats’. All he said there was ‘boats’, I don’t really know what that means.” Also on the list, Trudeau mentions a tax on BMW steering wheel warmers, sweatpants costing [...]

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  • ABBOTSFORD, BRITISH COLUMBIA (TheBadgerCA) – The Emersons were delighted to discover today that they had been selected above thousands of middle-class families to be sacrificed by Stephen Harper to the Underworld Lord Satan in advance of Canada’s 42nd federal election. Brett Emerson, a 43-year old project manager and father of six, could barely contain his excitement. Said Emerson, “I was talking with Ellen, my wife, and when we got the call from the Conservative Party of Canada that we had been chosen to have our blood spilled in sacrifice to Satan to bring true the covenant of Harper’s elevation to the national throne, well, you don’t give that up.’ The ritual killing will take place at 9:00am local time in advance of the polls opening in BC. Ellen Emerson, a stay-at-home mother and seller of artisan objects on Etsy, is only slightly saddened that her entire family’s lives will be ended prior to the election, but realizes it is for the greater good. “To be part of the greatest nation in the world, there will be sacrifices. And we’re that sacrifice. It’s honourable, really. We sat down yesterday as a family and came to an agreement. I said ‘Megan, Lynne, [...]

    Harper Selects Middle-Class Family to Sacrifice to Lucifer in Advance of Election Night

    ABBOTSFORD, BRITISH COLUMBIA (TheBadgerCA) – The Emersons were delighted to discover today that they had been selected above thousands of middle-class families to be sacrificed by Stephen Harper to the Underworld Lord Satan in advance of Canada’s 42nd federal election. Brett Emerson, a 43-year old project manager and father of six, could barely contain his excitement. Said Emerson, “I was talking with Ellen, my wife, and when we got the call from the Conservative Party of Canada that we had been chosen to have our blood spilled in sacrifice to Satan to bring true the covenant of Harper’s elevation to the national throne, well, you don’t give that up.’ The ritual killing will take place at 9:00am local time in advance of the polls opening in BC. Ellen Emerson, a stay-at-home mother and seller of artisan objects on Etsy, is only slightly saddened that her entire family’s lives will be ended prior to the election, but realizes it is for the greater good. “To be part of the greatest nation in the world, there will be sacrifices. And we’re that sacrifice. It’s honourable, really. We sat down yesterday as a family and came to an agreement. I said ‘Megan, Lynne, [...]

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  •  The final push is on with the election just days away, candidates across the city are rushing to get votes.

    Liberal support on the rise in Winnipeg: polls

    The final push is on with the election just days away, candidates across the city are rushing to get votes.

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  • TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – Julien Code, campaign intern for the Harper campaign, dropped everything he had on his plate today when Harper’s campaign top brass demanded a list of excuses that Harper could use to get out of the rally that Rob and Doug Ford are planning Saturday. Following the inclusion of the Ford brothers at a Harper rally in Etobicoke on Tuesday, Doug Ford extended the invite to Harper, stating that the rally in Harper’s honour would be a top-class event. Said Ford, “It will be a massive day. I will be there, Rob will be there, the Prime Minister will be there.” It was at that point that a call was made from Harper’s campaign headquarters to Code, who was told to immediately procure a list of excuses to get Harper out of attending the outing on the weekend. Code’s initial efforts were not seen as strong enough and knocked back. Said Code, “It’s been fairly frantic. My team has been doing their best to try to get a list of excuses but they keep getting knocked back. I’ve put forward “Death in the family”, “Previous campaign engagement”, “Emergency appendectomy”, all of them not good, so I’m told. [...]

    Conservative Party Drafting Official List of Excuses for Why Harper Can’t Attend Ford Function

    TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – Julien Code, campaign intern for the Harper campaign, dropped everything he had on his plate today when Harper’s campaign top brass demanded a list of excuses that Harper could use to get out of the rally that Rob and Doug Ford are planning Saturday. Following the inclusion of the Ford brothers at a Harper rally in Etobicoke on Tuesday, Doug Ford extended the invite to Harper, stating that the rally in Harper’s honour would be a top-class event. Said Ford, “It will be a massive day. I will be there, Rob will be there, the Prime Minister will be there.” It was at that point that a call was made from Harper’s campaign headquarters to Code, who was told to immediately procure a list of excuses to get Harper out of attending the outing on the weekend. Code’s initial efforts were not seen as strong enough and knocked back. Said Code, “It’s been fairly frantic. My team has been doing their best to try to get a list of excuses but they keep getting knocked back. I’ve put forward “Death in the family”, “Previous campaign engagement”, “Emergency appendectomy”, all of them not good, so I’m told. [...]

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  • MISSISSAUGA, ON (TheBadgerCA) – The day began in disappointment for local homosexual Brian Laylee, a 24-year old barista, when he heard that Jagdish Grewal was dispatched from Conservative Party of Canada’s Mississauga riding following comments that he believed there were cures for homosexuality. Laylee  stated, “Just when you think there’s a cure for something wrong with you, poof! It goes away. Why can’t we hear about this cure? You think we as gays aren’t entitled at a shot at khakis and blue buttoned-down shirts? Why can’t we have a marriage to a woman with a foot tattoo? Where are our big celebration dinners at Milestone’s? This is totally unfair! The man is sitting on a gold mine and like that the government gets rid of him. Laylee continues to operate as a gay man, having recently vacationed with his partner in Barcelona and had tapas for most of the nights away.

    Local Gays Very Interested in Ousted-Conservative’s Candidate Cure for Gayness

    MISSISSAUGA, ON (TheBadgerCA) – The day began in disappointment for local homosexual Brian Laylee, a 24-year old barista, when he heard that Jagdish Grewal was dispatched from Conservative Party of Canada’s Mississauga riding following comments that he believed there were cures for homosexuality. Laylee  stated, “Just when you think there’s a cure for something wrong with you, poof! It goes away. Why can’t we hear about this cure? You think we as gays aren’t entitled at a shot at khakis and blue buttoned-down shirts? Why can’t we have a marriage to a woman with a foot tattoo? Where are our big celebration dinners at Milestone’s? This is totally unfair! The man is sitting on a gold mine and like that the government gets rid of him. Laylee continues to operate as a gay man, having recently vacationed with his partner in Barcelona and had tapas for most of the nights away.

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  • The longtime liberal Pierrefonds-Dollard riding, was swept by the 'Orange wave' in 2011, but this year, it's a three-way race.

    #Elxn42: Pierrefonds-Dollard riding turning out to be a tight race

    The longtime liberal Pierrefonds-Dollard riding, was swept by the 'Orange wave' in 2011, but this year, it's a three-way race.

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  • SCARBOROUGH, ONTARIO (TheBadgerCA) – In the wake of last night’s French-language leader’s debate, Danny Illins, 34, was relieved to know that he did not have to follow a single word of it, since it was in French. Illins, a produce manager for a local grocery chain, was prepared to devote time in his busy schedule to watch the debate away from work. But when he discovered the debate was in French, the Anglophone breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that he’d get much of his valued time back while not watching the heated proceedings debating niqabs, the Senate and national security against ISIS. Illins instead started watching the Netfilx series “Narcos” in lieu of watching the French-language spectacle. “I was all ready to go and watch the debate, as I have all of them up to this point. I like to stay informed, but it was great when I found out that it was going to be the French one. I’m out! They’re not going to speak in English so that means it really isn’t that important. So, yeah, pretty much a bonus.” When told that one of the debate’s hot-button issues discussed was the wearing of niqabs during ceremonies, Illins [...]

    Area Anglophone Happy French Debate Had Nothing To Do With Him

    SCARBOROUGH, ONTARIO (TheBadgerCA) – In the wake of last night’s French-language leader’s debate, Danny Illins, 34, was relieved to know that he did not have to follow a single word of it, since it was in French. Illins, a produce manager for a local grocery chain, was prepared to devote time in his busy schedule to watch the debate away from work. But when he discovered the debate was in French, the Anglophone breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that he’d get much of his valued time back while not watching the heated proceedings debating niqabs, the Senate and national security against ISIS. Illins instead started watching the Netfilx series “Narcos” in lieu of watching the French-language spectacle. “I was all ready to go and watch the debate, as I have all of them up to this point. I like to stay informed, but it was great when I found out that it was going to be the French one. I’m out! They’re not going to speak in English so that means it really isn’t that important. So, yeah, pretty much a bonus.” When told that one of the debate’s hot-button issues discussed was the wearing of niqabs during ceremonies, Illins [...]

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  • In a new 60-second ad set to run nationally in premium spots, NDP leader Tom Mulcair declares:

    New NDP election ad about Tom Mulcair claims: “I’m ready”

    In a new 60-second ad set to run nationally in premium spots, NDP leader Tom Mulcair declares: "I'm ready."

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  • All three leaders have either done campaign events using the team as a backdrop or have taken in a Jays game this election campaign.

    Political jinx? Party leaders bring bad luck to Jays’ games

    All three leaders have either done campaign events using the team as a backdrop or have taken in a Jays game this election campaign.

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  • It's going to be a slow day on the campaign trail for the Conservative, Liberal and N-D-P leaders.

    Election campaigns slow down for the weekend

    It's going to be a slow day on the campaign trail for the Conservative, Liberal and N-D-P leaders.

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