Local News Archive

  • SEATTLE, WASHINGTON (TheBadgerCA) – Following the wrath that Starbucks received today from Christians regarding their red coffee cups, the coffee chain today announced that they would be not going forward with Muhammad-themed cups for Mawlid an-Nabī, the date commemorating the birth of the prophet Muhammad. The cups were to be made available leading up to the six-day period starting December 23rd and continuing until December 28th. This decision comes on the heels of the corporation receiving a deluge of commentary on their decision to commemorate the winter holidays with flat red-coloured coffee cups with no other ornamentation on them. The company explained that they wished to take a more contemporary and minimalist approach to the holiday. Joshua Feuerstein, an Arizona evangelist, lashed out at Starbucks in a YouTube rant stating that “Starbucks removed Christmas from their cups because they hate Jesus”. Debra Leith, a corporate publicist for Starbucks, stated that this could not be further from the truth. Said Leith, “We love Jesus, we respect Muhammad, we at Starbucks revere Buddha whose ethos we have co-opted for several years now. This year, we really just wanted to keep things simple. We thought red would be easy, no need for snowflakes, [...]

    Starbucks to Recall Muhammad-Themed Coffee Cups for Muslim High Holiday

    SEATTLE, WASHINGTON (TheBadgerCA) – Following the wrath that Starbucks received today from Christians regarding their red coffee cups, the coffee chain today announced that they would be not going forward with Muhammad-themed cups for Mawlid an-Nabī, the date commemorating the birth of the prophet Muhammad. The cups were to be made available leading up to the six-day period starting December 23rd and continuing until December 28th. This decision comes on the heels of the corporation receiving a deluge of commentary on their decision to commemorate the winter holidays with flat red-coloured coffee cups with no other ornamentation on them. The company explained that they wished to take a more contemporary and minimalist approach to the holiday. Joshua Feuerstein, an Arizona evangelist, lashed out at Starbucks in a YouTube rant stating that “Starbucks removed Christmas from their cups because they hate Jesus”. Debra Leith, a corporate publicist for Starbucks, stated that this could not be further from the truth. Said Leith, “We love Jesus, we respect Muhammad, we at Starbucks revere Buddha whose ethos we have co-opted for several years now. This year, we really just wanted to keep things simple. We thought red would be easy, no need for snowflakes, [...]

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  • TORONTO, ONTARIO (TheBadgerCA) – While many used Sunday morning’s extra hour of daylight savings time to get an extra hour of sleep or continue Halloween revelry at costume parties and bars across the city, local depression sufferer Mike King stared at his ceiling for another hour. Unable to sleep, King used the extra hour in the same way he does most nights; as a time to review all of his failures of the day. Once the mess-ups for the day were catalogued, they were added into specific groups of other failures that have occurred over the course of King’s life in order to find a pattern that will never manifest itself. In the extra hour, King focused unflinchingly at the ceiling fan, going over in his head again and again his inability to contact his parents on a weekly basis to touch base as well as his lack of initiative at work that King believes will probably see him terminated in the next round of layoffs at the furniture chain he works at. At the 18 minute mark of the extra hour, King panicked about his credit card debt which grew from $10,000 to $11,500 the previous day following the [...]

    Extra Daylight Savings Hour Used for 60 More Minutes of Crippling, Sleepless Anxiety

    TORONTO, ONTARIO (TheBadgerCA) – While many used Sunday morning’s extra hour of daylight savings time to get an extra hour of sleep or continue Halloween revelry at costume parties and bars across the city, local depression sufferer Mike King stared at his ceiling for another hour. Unable to sleep, King used the extra hour in the same way he does most nights; as a time to review all of his failures of the day. Once the mess-ups for the day were catalogued, they were added into specific groups of other failures that have occurred over the course of King’s life in order to find a pattern that will never manifest itself. In the extra hour, King focused unflinchingly at the ceiling fan, going over in his head again and again his inability to contact his parents on a weekly basis to touch base as well as his lack of initiative at work that King believes will probably see him terminated in the next round of layoffs at the furniture chain he works at. At the 18 minute mark of the extra hour, King panicked about his credit card debt which grew from $10,000 to $11,500 the previous day following the [...]

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  • SCARBOROUGH, ONTARIO (TheBadgerCA) – Little did Taylor Heller and Monica Dooley know that when they sat down to design their Halloween costume together that they would be heading towards a breakup that will occur Sunday morning in a tearful exchange. The common-law couple began on this path to their relationship’s demise when initial discussions occurred to narrow down their costume idea. Said Dooley, “I wanted very much to keep with an ‘Alladin’ theme since that was the first movie we ever saw together.” Heller had no idea about the plan, “I have no idea why she wanted to do the whole ‘Lawrence of Arabia’ thing, but whatever.  We did ‘Breaking Bad’ last year and that was my idea so this is her year. I’ll give her that.” After not knowing the significance of Dooley’s costume choice, Heller made another bad relationship choice of dictating what Dooley’s costume should be. “It had to be sexy. Like real sexy. Like Princess Leia sexy. I was hoping a bikini, couple of sashes, that’s it. My girlfriend before Monica did that one year at an office party of hers and it was wicked hot. We totally did it in the cab on the way [...]

    Every Step of Couple’s Halloween Costume Leading to Their Break-Up

    SCARBOROUGH, ONTARIO (TheBadgerCA) – Little did Taylor Heller and Monica Dooley know that when they sat down to design their Halloween costume together that they would be heading towards a breakup that will occur Sunday morning in a tearful exchange. The common-law couple began on this path to their relationship’s demise when initial discussions occurred to narrow down their costume idea. Said Dooley, “I wanted very much to keep with an ‘Alladin’ theme since that was the first movie we ever saw together.” Heller had no idea about the plan, “I have no idea why she wanted to do the whole ‘Lawrence of Arabia’ thing, but whatever.  We did ‘Breaking Bad’ last year and that was my idea so this is her year. I’ll give her that.” After not knowing the significance of Dooley’s costume choice, Heller made another bad relationship choice of dictating what Dooley’s costume should be. “It had to be sexy. Like real sexy. Like Princess Leia sexy. I was hoping a bikini, couple of sashes, that’s it. My girlfriend before Monica did that one year at an office party of hers and it was wicked hot. We totally did it in the cab on the way [...]

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  • TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – Upon reading passages from Mark Towhey’s tell-all book documenting his time as chief of staff to Rob Ford when Ford was mayor, leading experts in the sociology world have upgraded Rob Ford’s sociological standing. Daniel Thyckes, chair for the Canadian Sociological Association, was part of the committee responsible for Ford’s upgrade. Said Thyckes, “The passage was very illuminating to us. We had originally thought that the book was closed on Ford following his disgraced tenure as Mayor. When he removed himself from the mayoral race in the last election, we felt that we would only need the standard updates to his file, maybe once a year, and ensure of his standing as “Asshole”. It was pretty clear given his constant lying about drug use, his abuse of fellow council members, his lies to Toronto citizens, his drunk driving, these are the types of behaviours that will give you the title of ‘Asshole’ from our organization. He had at this point effectively ticked all of the boxes for us. “Then we were given the excerpt from the book (Towhey’s “Mayor Rob Ford: Uncontrollable: How I Tried to Help the World’s Most Notorious Mayor“) and we immediately had [...]

    Tell-All Book Has Sociologists Upgrading Rob Ford From “Asshole” to “Fucking Asshole”

    TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – Upon reading passages from Mark Towhey’s tell-all book documenting his time as chief of staff to Rob Ford when Ford was mayor, leading experts in the sociology world have upgraded Rob Ford’s sociological standing. Daniel Thyckes, chair for the Canadian Sociological Association, was part of the committee responsible for Ford’s upgrade. Said Thyckes, “The passage was very illuminating to us. We had originally thought that the book was closed on Ford following his disgraced tenure as Mayor. When he removed himself from the mayoral race in the last election, we felt that we would only need the standard updates to his file, maybe once a year, and ensure of his standing as “Asshole”. It was pretty clear given his constant lying about drug use, his abuse of fellow council members, his lies to Toronto citizens, his drunk driving, these are the types of behaviours that will give you the title of ‘Asshole’ from our organization. He had at this point effectively ticked all of the boxes for us. “Then we were given the excerpt from the book (Towhey’s “Mayor Rob Ford: Uncontrollable: How I Tried to Help the World’s Most Notorious Mayor“) and we immediately had [...]

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  • TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – Amid a torrent of political candidates stepping down due to online posts in social media, local Conservative candidate David Hartley is pretty sure his tweet is clean enough to make it through his Twitter feed without any issue. Across all of the major political parties, Member of Parliament hopefuls have been forced to step down due to postings deemed offensive. Hartley believes that his tweet will cut the muster. Lorraine Camp, campaign manager for Hartley, is very excited about the tweet. “I think there has been an awful lot of confusion when politicians such as Mr. Hartley are brave enough to stand by their convictions and post their feelings to the public. Social media is an important tool for politicians and Mr. Hartley posts only items true to his heart, his family, his riding and his party.” Camp stated that Hartley was thorough in his writing of the tweet, stating “he went over the tweet three times before posting it. He even asked me my thoughts and I assured him that his post would be accepted by all and could well and truly steer the campaign for his riding in a winning direction. This tweet did [...]

    Local Politician Thought Three Times Prior to Posting Tweet with “Muslim” in It

    TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – Amid a torrent of political candidates stepping down due to online posts in social media, local Conservative candidate David Hartley is pretty sure his tweet is clean enough to make it through his Twitter feed without any issue. Across all of the major political parties, Member of Parliament hopefuls have been forced to step down due to postings deemed offensive. Hartley believes that his tweet will cut the muster. Lorraine Camp, campaign manager for Hartley, is very excited about the tweet. “I think there has been an awful lot of confusion when politicians such as Mr. Hartley are brave enough to stand by their convictions and post their feelings to the public. Social media is an important tool for politicians and Mr. Hartley posts only items true to his heart, his family, his riding and his party.” Camp stated that Hartley was thorough in his writing of the tweet, stating “he went over the tweet three times before posting it. He even asked me my thoughts and I assured him that his post would be accepted by all and could well and truly steer the campaign for his riding in a winning direction. This tweet did [...]

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									TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – Daniel Pettigee, a 38-year old independent contractor, took to Facebook following the arrest of Ah...

    Area Man Pretty Sure Facebook Post Starting With “I’m Not a Racist BUT…” Will Get His Point Across

    TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – Daniel Pettigee, a 38-year old independent contractor, took to Facebook following the arrest of Ah...

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  • TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – It was a huge day for Sylvie DeLisse, the 34 year-old actor in the Canadian dramatic film “The Year the Moon Cried” as she approached the red carpet outside the Prince of Wales Theatre in Toronto for  the 40th anniversary of the Toronto International Film Festival. For DeLisse, it has been a long, hard road of dedication, sacrifice and hope that has brought her to this point. “It’s been a tough four years trying to get the film together. The production team struggled for two years to get funding and with successive Kickstarters (crowd-sourcing) and script adaptation to meet the budget, we finally got it together and have a final product that we’re really proud of. ‘Moon’ is a symbol of our struggle and eventual success.” “The Year the Moon Cried” follows the story of a woman in Churchill, Manitoba where she befriends and falls in love with a man who lost one of his eyes in a hockey accident. The film was not accepted by the festival but DeLisse hit the red carpet anyway, on the other side of the barricade hoping to grab a picture of George Clooney. “It’s great that we have festivals like TIFF [...]

    Canadian Film Stars Hit TIFF Red Carpet In Hopes of Seeing Real Celebrities

    TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – It was a huge day for Sylvie DeLisse, the 34 year-old actor in the Canadian dramatic film “The Year the Moon Cried” as she approached the red carpet outside the Prince of Wales Theatre in Toronto for  the 40th anniversary of the Toronto International Film Festival. For DeLisse, it has been a long, hard road of dedication, sacrifice and hope that has brought her to this point. “It’s been a tough four years trying to get the film together. The production team struggled for two years to get funding and with successive Kickstarters (crowd-sourcing) and script adaptation to meet the budget, we finally got it together and have a final product that we’re really proud of. ‘Moon’ is a symbol of our struggle and eventual success.” “The Year the Moon Cried” follows the story of a woman in Churchill, Manitoba where she befriends and falls in love with a man who lost one of his eyes in a hockey accident. The film was not accepted by the festival but DeLisse hit the red carpet anyway, on the other side of the barricade hoping to grab a picture of George Clooney. “It’s great that we have festivals like TIFF [...]

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  • TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – Parents of children at a local public school protesting Ontario’s new sex-ed curriculum which teaches topics like sexting, Internet pornography and consent. have added a new target for their ire. Not content with a curriculum that teaches how to handle ever-fast growing technology and sexuality, angry parents demanded that the Information Technology course also be updated to remove all reference to the Internet altogether. Colin Furger, 42, a concerned parent and owner of a linen shop, believes it is the teaching of the Internet that has led to this entire sex-ed controversy. Said Fulger, “Why, all of a sudden, do we have to start talking about porn, consent and other things that are going to turn my son gay? It’s the Internet. Ever since they started teaching it, the kids start searching for stuff, then they find porn, then they find ‘Grindr’ whatever that is, and then they’re gay. I won’t have it in my class. When I took computers, there was no Twitter on the floppy disks. You wanted to send a ‘dick pick’ you did it with a Polaroid and slid it into her locker. Now, you can send one of those before you [...]

    Parents Protesting New Sex-Ed Curriculum Also Against Teaching of Internet in Computer Class

    TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – Parents of children at a local public school protesting Ontario’s new sex-ed curriculum which teaches topics like sexting, Internet pornography and consent. have added a new target for their ire. Not content with a curriculum that teaches how to handle ever-fast growing technology and sexuality, angry parents demanded that the Information Technology course also be updated to remove all reference to the Internet altogether. Colin Furger, 42, a concerned parent and owner of a linen shop, believes it is the teaching of the Internet that has led to this entire sex-ed controversy. Said Fulger, “Why, all of a sudden, do we have to start talking about porn, consent and other things that are going to turn my son gay? It’s the Internet. Ever since they started teaching it, the kids start searching for stuff, then they find porn, then they find ‘Grindr’ whatever that is, and then they’re gay. I won’t have it in my class. When I took computers, there was no Twitter on the floppy disks. You wanted to send a ‘dick pick’ you did it with a Polaroid and slid it into her locker. Now, you can send one of those before you [...]

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  • TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – Following the backlash from a controversial video, people around the globe became outraged upon discovering the video’s creator, Nicole Arbour was being called a “comedian”. Arbour, the self-titled “World’s Sexiest Comedian” is no stranger to blatant self-promotion, and stirred up her self-created controversy fury with the “Dear Fat People”. In an obvious attempt to garner attention, Arbour makes fun of people with weight issues, taunting them with statements regarding how chasing her would be difficult to do, how eating french fries is an unhealthy dining option and other stupendously unfunny and hack joke attempts. Arbour took to Twitter on Sunday, stating that her YouTube account was shut down due to “censorship”, an accusation that has yet to be verified. It is believed that the account was taken down on purpose to add more fuel to her fabricated story of crisis. Said Arbour in the tweet, “We literally broke the internet… With comedy. #censorship”. The internet in fact remained intact over the duration of the weekend, indicating that Arbour may not know what the word “broke” is. As the story grew, people were outraged that Arbour was being described in all accounts as a “comedian”. Dan Schell, [...]

    Social Media Outraged as Nicole Arbor Described as “Comedian”

    TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – Following the backlash from a controversial video, people around the globe became outraged upon discovering the video’s creator, Nicole Arbour was being called a “comedian”. Arbour, the self-titled “World’s Sexiest Comedian” is no stranger to blatant self-promotion, and stirred up her self-created controversy fury with the “Dear Fat People”. In an obvious attempt to garner attention, Arbour makes fun of people with weight issues, taunting them with statements regarding how chasing her would be difficult to do, how eating french fries is an unhealthy dining option and other stupendously unfunny and hack joke attempts. Arbour took to Twitter on Sunday, stating that her YouTube account was shut down due to “censorship”, an accusation that has yet to be verified. It is believed that the account was taken down on purpose to add more fuel to her fabricated story of crisis. Said Arbour in the tweet, “We literally broke the internet… With comedy. #censorship”. The internet in fact remained intact over the duration of the weekend, indicating that Arbour may not know what the word “broke” is. As the story grew, people were outraged that Arbour was being described in all accounts as a “comedian”. Dan Schell, [...]

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  • TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – To celebrate their third anniversary of news reporting and editorials, the entire editorial team of The Badger emerged from captivity at the hands of a kidnapper that held them for over nine months. Champagne was uncorked and hors d’oeuvres devoured at the offices of The Badger as they breathed their first breaths of fresh air for months through open office windows. The entire team was held by a man only known as “Mr. Cage”  who barely fed and brutally abused them. To this day, The Badger has no idea what Mr. Cage looks like. Donald Savage, a typesetter for The Badger remarked “The stuff he did to us and the food he left us was really bad. We were all cramped in a room the size of a McDonald’s bathroom, but without the toilets. To be able to move and use a flushing toilet instead of a bucket on a rope lowered into our cage…that will be nice. I don’t think you’ll hear me complaining about my cubicle for a long time. The team have no idea what precipitated their escape. Said Kylee Bruce, Fact-Checker, “It was weird. We got our morning hosing for cleanliness and [...]

    Badger Editorial Team Celebrates Third Anniversary by Evading Kidnapper’s Lair After 9 Months

    TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – To celebrate their third anniversary of news reporting and editorials, the entire editorial team of The Badger emerged from captivity at the hands of a kidnapper that held them for over nine months. Champagne was uncorked and hors d’oeuvres devoured at the offices of The Badger as they breathed their first breaths of fresh air for months through open office windows. The entire team was held by a man only known as “Mr. Cage”  who barely fed and brutally abused them. To this day, The Badger has no idea what Mr. Cage looks like. Donald Savage, a typesetter for The Badger remarked “The stuff he did to us and the food he left us was really bad. We were all cramped in a room the size of a McDonald’s bathroom, but without the toilets. To be able to move and use a flushing toilet instead of a bucket on a rope lowered into our cage…that will be nice. I don’t think you’ll hear me complaining about my cubicle for a long time. The team have no idea what precipitated their escape. Said Kylee Bruce, Fact-Checker, “It was weird. We got our morning hosing for cleanliness and [...]

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  • TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – Marketing team members at Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment (MLSE) are excited today with news that the Toronto Maple Leafs are coming forward with a new souvenir for Leaf fans. Sylvie Tepps, the Vice President of Merchandising for the Toronto hockey club, announced that the Leafs were coming up with a new souvenir jersey that was more aerodynamic and was able to fly better. Said Tepps at a news conference today, “The Toronto Maple Leafs organization wants to let their fans know that we can see what you want. We feel that with the new ‘Throwing Jersey’, we are answering the needs of the fans. We are listening to you.” The new jerseys are made of a lighter fibre with less drag yet more mass for better propulsion, a similar technology to that used in stealth bombers and modern-day drones. Previously, many fans had thrown their jerseys to the ice, only to have them land a few rows ahead of them, or against the glass of the rink. In a demo that followed today’s press conference, Tepps stood in the front row of green section 321 and tossed the new jersey to the ice in one [...]

    Toronto Maple Leafs Developing New Aerodynamic ‘Throwing Jersey’

    TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – Marketing team members at Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment (MLSE) are excited today with news that the Toronto Maple Leafs are coming forward with a new souvenir for Leaf fans. Sylvie Tepps, the Vice President of Merchandising for the Toronto hockey club, announced that the Leafs were coming up with a new souvenir jersey that was more aerodynamic and was able to fly better. Said Tepps at a news conference today, “The Toronto Maple Leafs organization wants to let their fans know that we can see what you want. We feel that with the new ‘Throwing Jersey’, we are answering the needs of the fans. We are listening to you.” The new jerseys are made of a lighter fibre with less drag yet more mass for better propulsion, a similar technology to that used in stealth bombers and modern-day drones. Previously, many fans had thrown their jerseys to the ice, only to have them land a few rows ahead of them, or against the glass of the rink. In a demo that followed today’s press conference, Tepps stood in the front row of green section 321 and tossed the new jersey to the ice in one [...]

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  • Oct 14, 2014 – TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – With the world in a state of panic, local hipster Brendan Pallson, 28, has become the first known contractor of the Ebola virus in Toronto. What is worse is that Pallson has stated that he contracted the virus at least 12 months ago and is a survivor. Pallson stated that “I don’t know why everyone is in a blind panic. I got Ebola, like, last year. No one was talking about it then, so not sure why the big deal right now. Whatever.”   Dr. Ina Phinnaus, a doctor specializing in viruses and contageons at Toronto General Hospital, is shocked at Pallson’s claims. “For Mr. Pallson to be able to contract the Ebola virus last year, and be alive today, is truly remarkable. I’ve never seen anything like it, but I would love to get a chance to examine Mr. Pallson and determine how his immune system is managing to tackle this very aggressive virus strain.   Pallson continued to state that “when I got Ebola, there was like me, and three other people with it. That was it. Now, it’s totally jumped the shark. So, yeah, I’m totally done with it.” [...]

    Local Hipster Contracted Ebola, Like, So Last Year

    Oct 14, 2014 – TORONTO, CANADA (TheBadgerCA) – With the world in a state of panic, local hipster Brendan Pallson, 28, has become the first known contractor of the Ebola virus in Toronto. What is worse is that Pallson has stated that he contracted the virus at least 12 months ago and is a survivor. Pallson stated that “I don’t know why everyone is in a blind panic. I got Ebola, like, last year. No one was talking about it then, so not sure why the big deal right now. Whatever.”   Dr. Ina Phinnaus, a doctor specializing in viruses and contageons at Toronto General Hospital, is shocked at Pallson’s claims. “For Mr. Pallson to be able to contract the Ebola virus last year, and be alive today, is truly remarkable. I’ve never seen anything like it, but I would love to get a chance to examine Mr. Pallson and determine how his immune system is managing to tackle this very aggressive virus strain.   Pallson continued to state that “when I got Ebola, there was like me, and three other people with it. That was it. Now, it’s totally jumped the shark. So, yeah, I’m totally done with it.” [...]

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